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I hate when i'm felling that i'm nothing. I hate when I feel that I have no place, and the best thing for everyone would be that I never should have been born. It sounds like a cry for help, for someone to tell me that I should be here. That they do care and want me here.

But It's really hard for me to hear that kind of stuff because I don't belivie it's true.

Something you really want to hear, and when you get it you just get sader because it's not true in your ears.

I know this sounds so boring and like someone only wants attention. I don't know if I want it or not. Something I often say to myself is “Rather bullied and seen, then no one and inviseble.”

I know it's sounds stupid, weird and crazy, But please try to see it from my perspective. I'm rather right in the middle and always eyes on me, even tho those eyes only want to hurt me. It sounds terrible and you must think this girl is sick.  Maybe I am, but I can't handle the pain of being inviseble. Sorry…

I don't want to die, even tho I say it sometimes. Because when your dead, youŕe quiet and gone, and you can't see anyone anymore. No one and the pain is still there. What to happen with your world when you die?

Isn’t that the thing you just crawing to know? What will people say when I die? Who will care and cry because of me not living anymore? Will everyone in my class care, even those who I didn’t hang out with? Will that guy/girl I talked with only a couple of times on the bus, remember me and get sad? Did I give enough to the world so that it will remember me?

But would it really bother me when Im dead? Really? I wish thinking that  I will be an angel that can before I “Walk into the light” go and look for what everybody is doing. When they get the news that Im died. I havn’t thought yet about how I will die. Do I wish for a big “thing”? Like a car crash, or that fell from something high…

I saw sometime ago a picture that I think that many can addjust to it was like a little story: It was a girl visiting a counsler.

The girl said : “ I don’t feel like living.

The Counsler: Do you feel suicidel?

The girl: No, or not really it depends.

The Counsler: Can you explain a litte more.

The girl: It’s like I don’t think I have the guts to kill my self. But if the odds where that I would stand on the road a car would be in the direction towards me. I’m not so sure that I would move.

I really get this because It’s kind of, or it really is the same for me. I don’t think I have the courage to kill myself, commit suicide… But if it would be like an acident… It’s scary how tempting this is really.